~Let the Anxiety Begin~

I think I am going to worry myself to death.......

The what if's are taking me down fast and hard. I keep watching every damn move he makes and analyzing everything he does to make sure he's "normal". Today Anthony asked me for something and I told him "on the front porch". he said "Oh, OK" and started to walk towards the front door and stopped in his tracks and said, "wait, where's the front porch again?"

Now between my gasping for air and the look of horror on my face, I'm sure I scared the shit out of him. I just keep thinking the but..... is coming, and if I prepare for the worst, and hope for the best it'll all work out. You know the but, the "your kid lived, but.....". I just keep thinking he shouldn't have lived through this and something has to go wrong at some point. It's got to be too good to be true. I mean the kid went head first into my CEMENT driveway. Not grass, not dirt, a driveway. How can he not have some more permanent damage or injuries? I am thankful beyond thankful that he doesn't have any worse injuries, but can't help but feel like it's too good to be true. I mean people aren't suppose to live through these kind of things.

I've decided that even if he is injured more than I want to believe, it can't be changed and it won't change anything. My son is alive and that is all I care about. If I have to get use to the idea that he is not going to be MY Anthony, than that's what I am going to do. Worrying about it all the time isn't going to change anything. I am going to start writing everything down that I find unusual for him and bring it up at his next appointment with his neurologist. He has to have another Cat Scan in 3 weeks to check on his brain injury and skull fracture so until then I'm probably going to worry myself to death.

Today's been a hard day as far as his injuries goes as well. His neck brace, which cost $400.00, was geniusly made with snap in parts that don't stay snapped in, so he slept all night in a crooked brace and woke up all messed up. I started making phone calls first thing this morning and didn't get anything but the run around. I finally got someone to listen to me when we were already on our way up to the Children's hospital to get his permanent cast for his arm put on. I walked into this "fracture clinic" where there were literally 50 people and 20 seats and the first person I noticed across the room was LPN that discharged Anthony from the hospital. It was her day for volunteering in the clinic, and I was so happy to see her. As they put Anthony's new shiny blue cast on his arm, I asked if someone could find her for me and they sent her into our room and she recognized us immediately. I told her I needed her help because I can't seem to get anyone to listen to me and my sons neck is all screwed up. She told me to meet her in the room next to Anthony's when he was in the hospital and she would get him fixed up. Thank God, because I was on the verge of loosing it at that point. She gave me a new neck brace for free and said she would write the other one off as malfunctioning so I didn't have to pay for another one.

Seriously though, my son was crooked and hurting the worse I've seen him hurt since the accident. Its so hard to watch him cry in pain. I think this picture is the saddest thing I've ever seen. She bandaged up the back of his head and sent me home with some extra supplies, put his neck brace on him and straightened him up a lot, and most importantly, she made Anthony stop hurting. He's still a little crooked because he's stiffening up from the pain but it's a lot better than it was. Poor kid can't seem to get a break. Just when I start to relax, there's something else to worry about. I hope this is some kind of turning point and it gets easier from here because this sucks. I think the unknown is the worst of it all though. The wondering if and how this is going to affect him in the long run. Wondering has never been something I am good at.