Monday, June 1, 2009

~God, please let me take his place~

I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I am. I have to be. If I could just stop crying...... I wish I could take his place! Why can't I take his place? Why did I go to work? Why couldn't I have just been at home with him? Why couldn't I at least have been there to pick his poor little body in pieces up off the cement?
This is sooo fucking hard. I'm sorry about the swear word but right now it's real life and its not a good one at the moment. God has to be with me because honestly, I don't know how I haven't passed out yet. I guess that Valium the ER doctors gave me must have helped when I went into a panic attack, I don't know. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and take my sons pain away from him.
I would give my life to take his place right now. Why can't I take his place? Someone please tell it's possible to be strong through this? I've been doing a good job faking it in front of him, for him. Fuck. Huge Light Bulb Moment! I finally get it Dr.Phil. "Fake it till you make it!" I keep throwing up through my tears. When does that end? I don't think fake it till you make it helps me on this one...... I hate Anxiety! I can't believe I can even type through the constant flow of tears. I'm just so sad. Sad that I couldn't have protected him from this nightmare.......

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